Thoughts

Strip down to just your bra and panties.

Slowly climb into your bed. 

Feeling the soft material of the covers as you pull it over your legs and chest.

Settle in, and breath out. 

Comfort, relaxation.

No one hollering. No one patronizing. No one questioning. No one nothing. All nothing.

Nothing besides your bed. Your covers. Your pillow. And your thoughts. 

Shut that out, now you truly have nothing. 

You try not to think, try not to worry, or dream, or anything. 

Your so close.

Your mind is a black hole, sucking up all the unnecessary thoughts keeping you from your date with death/sleep.

Finally, all is silent. Your room, and your mind. With the faint pattern of your breath...

And the humming of your ceiling fan.

And the rustling of wind... 

But the wind seems strange... It seems to be talking to me... With every gust of wind, a new voice speaks. With a new prayer, a new plead, a new wish... New voices... Too many voices... 

Now every sound intensifies... From the world outside, and from the space within your four walls...

Bangs. Clicks. And snaps. And pitter patter. 

Wait pitter patter? Rain!

The world seems to be suffering it's own disappointment. Or maybe it just feels my pain. 

My Declaration of Non-Interest

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know if you have the ability to reach for success, and never less, and to be outstanding at everything you do.

I have no interest in knowing where you originally came from. But if you could stick to whom you originally are, and not reconstruct any aspect of yourself to please everyone else around you.

It doesn't matter to me what age you claim to be, or truly are. What interests me is to know if you would allow yourself to look a fool for love. If you would permit yourself to go crazy and execute your dreams. I want to know if you would go to outstanding extents to achieve the full thrill and adventure of life.

It doesn't interest me how much money you make or where you happen to live. I want to know if you could stay up all alone on a Saturday night with horrendous visions as you reminisce over random thoughts racing through your mind. If you could wake up after a restless night of nightmares, with a hollow feeling, a feeling of being alienated along with suicidal thoughts, broken all over and still manage to accomplish what needs to be done for yourself and your family. 

It doesn't interest me if you can swim across the whole ocean. I want to know if you have the ability to remain still with pain and misery (of your own, mine or others) without masking it, attempting to fix it, or fabricating the effect it has on you. I want to know if you can let loose, be carefree and be one with the world... Letting the ecstasy take over your entire body, covering your eye sight with hallucinations, not caring about what happens, not thinking what is realistic or isn't, or letting the limitations of being human terminate you from achieving the one goal every human wishes to accomplish... Pure happiness.

It doesn't interest me how you came to be in this world nor whom you associate with. I want to know if you will stand in the line of fire with me, and not plummet to the ground with fear.

It doesn't interest me what you have studied or what carriers you pursued. I want to understand what your reason for living is. What is the single thing that fills your emptiness with joy, and replaces your depression with excitement?

It doesn't interest me if the stories you speak of are factual or just a myth. I want to know if you could commit a crime and still live in peace with yourself, or would you break apart with every thought of it. I want to know if you can handle betrayal and criticism but yet not betray your spirit, pride, dignity or soul. I want to know if you can deceive someone else... To be true to yourself. I want to know if you can be reliable, loyal and blunt. I want to know if you can see the good in the bad, the pretty in the beastly, the magic in the un-magical. 

It doesn't interest me how many friends you have. I want to know if you can take being alone all hours of day and of night. What keeps you from weakening, from having you collapse to your knees on the floor at the end of each day? I want to know if you have the willpower to live the rest of your life unaccompanied, isolated, and not be driven insane. I want to know if you have the energy to fight the urge on thinking about giving up, and then have the energy to actually not give up.

It doesn't interest me what new technology is out there in your world. I want to know if you have reached the center of your sorrow, if you have been blinded by the beautiful lies of life, or if you have shriveled and distanced off due to the harsh facts about death. 

How We Became

You, our friends and I all on your couch talking enjoying the night. I walked over to the bar and grabbed the vodka. We all sat there joking, smiling and passing the bottle around, from one end of the couch to the other. Everyone's drunk and making love. You and I aren't even past the tipsy point, but we're loving each others company, each others touch. I lean over brushing my chest against your's and grab the bottle from the table. I look into your eyes and feel the warmth from your stare, and swing my leg over so that I'm sitting in your lap. The bottle of vodka in one hand, and your chest in the other. I take in more then I expected, drinking half of whats left... feeling the burning in my throat. Gently with one hand you take the bottle from me and with the other hand you put it around my waist pulling me close. You drink the rest of what I left, and toss the bottle on the floor. You bring your hand to mine then bring it up to your chest and whisper, "My heart beats like a murderer on a killing rampage, my heart only beats for you, and my lips will only kiss yours." Then you pull me closer and softly kiss me on my lips.
Pleasure, Beauty, Intense, Gentle,
I pull away slowly asking myself what I am doing but my body and mind have a plan but aren't letting me in on it expecting me to ruin it all. I look back into your eyes and you hold me closer then ever and with such a passion, kiss me until my lips are numb... I want more but my heart is afraid of the heart break, of the tears, of having to deal with a player, but I can't resist. You stand up with me still on your chest and my legs wrapped around your waist, rush into the bedroom across the hall, you gently close the door and toss me on the nicely made bed, I can't help but giggle. You walk over and kiss me all over, taking off my shirt as I take off yours. You lean against me..... chest against chest, forehead to forehead, staring into my eyes, breathing heavy. You kiss me again and again, over and over. Letting your hand slide down my chest, you stop at my waist and pull me over to you... and say "Will you be the only girl that I call my girlfriend? The one who I can't stop texting for longer then 2 minutes? The only girl I want to have her bare chest against mine? The only lips I can kiss? Will you be all those things and more?" What else was there to say besides yes. There, in your arms, chest against chest, we fall asleep, and when I wake up, you tell me in a whisper that you love me and lean over and kiss me like mad. At that point I knew that you weren't after the sex, you were after my love.... and I willingly, with lust... gave it all to you.

All I have Left

Please know, you're all I have left. Once you leave my heart, and soul are gone too. I can't figure out how to tell you, you mean the world to me. I want you to know that, my life is different when you don't bother me, pick on me, ignore me, fight with me, help me fight my battles. It's all different. You're not around, you don't tell me how to behave in front of guests, you don't tell me to stop embarrassing myself, you won't be able to be the first one on scene when I get called into the principals office for starting a fight. If we can't try and make peace now, before you leave, it won't be the same, and I don't think I can find another guardian angel like you. I hope that in the end after we make up or hate each other more, if you leave or stay, if we talk or don't, if you love me or not, that we still will have each other's back's even if we don't wanna admit we do. Thank you for being there when I needed you, now I hope I can be there for you, when you need someone the most.

Help Me Remember

It hurts to see that I love you, but we can never be. Your from one world I'm from another. I would come to you with any problem, and you would be there for me. You  would come to me for whatever reason, and I'd let you cry on my shoulder. I know you need me, and you know I need you. I can't get over how close we were, and how far we've separated, theres this huge gap between us and no matter how hard we try we can't seal it off or at least bring it back together. You left right when the sun rose, we didn't even have a chance to talk about it. I just want to remember how we were before and how much I loved you, and how close we were! Just for one night can't we be the same as we had been back then? Help me remember use before. Help me remember it all. I want those days that we were still a couple yet best friends. I miss you, on those days we had our moments and nothing else mattered. Help me remember it all. The true us, the real life, before we split, when I was loving you and when you were loving me. Help Me Remember...

My Get Away.

I open the door to my secret get away,
Peer in and grin.
Shut the door in a hushed manner, tip toe back to the living room.
Grab a glass, a coke bottle, an ice tray, and a bottle of rum.
With my gear in hand, I head back to my second life.
Thinking of the peace, I take a front row seat, and mix a drink.
Shut my eyes, to see the life I wish I had. Tilt my head back, to shake the bad life out, and take a sip.
Inhale the manner of my great life, and exhale the manner of the life I wish I never had.
Sitting there hoping I could share this moment with someone I care for.
Yet this moment is best celebrated alone.
I understand the meaning of having a life,
And the meaning of having a life everyone one wishes they had.
Yet in this situation, I want to make my own life,
Make my own luck,
Make my own dreams,
Make my own wishes,
Make my own moments.
I want.... to be my own person. I down the rest of my drink,
to the very end, till there is no coke, no ice, no rum left.
I smile, and know that I still have a life ahead of me...
I can  make a difference, if not in my life,
Then in one others life.
I'm brought back to reality, then begin on making my dream.

Inspiration

I do what I do, not to please you or you, but to please me, myself and I.
I kiss who I wish, but do not tell.
I breathe for life, but rarely speak.
I don't like to stress, I'm free like a bird.
Once was cadged in, now let go.
My whole life was lived under rules,
Rules not made by me.
My life was controlled by people, that didn't understand my point of view to things.
Now I'm free, they saw me leave, they saw me grow, the see the place I'm in now, they see where I have gotten,
They have seen what I have done for myself.
But I will never regret all that I have done, I made mistakes, but learned from them and made more accomplishments.